If you’re human, you’ve tasted failure. The feeling isn’t welcome, but reality is what it is.
I’m not just talking about failures in career. I’m talking about those failures that you consider a ‘failure’. Maybe the concept of failure has been conditioned within you from your walks of life. Every person you meet has a widely different perception of failure. Or not — maybe most people agree on what failures are.
How do we come to learn about the context of failure?
Our observations from childhood give birth to the idea of what failure is. Think back to those conversations you were a part of as a child. What was something that was unacceptable or looked down upon? Perhaps, it began with a scolding for not following an instruction to the T according to how those with a few more years of experience (read: adult) made you feel was mandatory. Maybe it was a punishment you received when those guests had left and you had betrayed those adults by behaving in a manner that they couldn’t possibly understand. Maybe the adults are wearing the identity of training you, the child, on their sleeves and hence, when you behave incongruently with the adults’ perception of what’s right and wrong, the adults feel responsible, and exhibit embarrassment, shame and guilt for your behavior.
Who is to tell those same adults that their behavior as kids was just as haphazard, impulsive and unconventional. Who is to tell them that kids have a right to exist as is, without constantly being told about the rules of engagement of adulthood. See how quickly we get to the idea of failure even before reaching the footsteps of an ‘educational’ institution because supposedly failures only exist on the career paths.
Adults who have been conditioned with the essence of failure from their childhood now play a critical role in doing the same for the next generation. Unless adults consciously realize how the meaning of ‘failure’ has been ingrained within them, they will unconsciously and subconsciously pass down the same principles. Every bout of anger, disappointment, agitation, embarrassment, shame — just to name a few emotions — provide an opportunity to address the idea of failure. It is the duty of adults to question the essence of what failure represents to them — probably do the unlearning required so they don’t impress the same definitions of failure onto the next generation. Or at least provide an environment so that child can develop its own definition of what failure is. Maybe the ideal is to not associate failure with feelings of shame, embarrassment and guilt, but an opportunity to act differently for a more favorable outcome?
So let’s define failure without an emotion. Failure is an unexpected and an undesirable outcome.
If failure is just getting to an unexpected and an undesirable outcome, why have we been taught to hide, misrepresent, modify, justify, overanalyze and ruminate on these failures to an audience that only wants to indulge in gossip and amplify pre-conceived notions about your character and demeanor? Had we been taught to adjust and adapt the actions we take at every undesirable outcome, we would never learn to associate shame, embarrassment and guilt at every junction of ‘failure’ — for failure is nothing more than an undesirable outcome.
How do we unlearn and detach the meaning of failure from what we have absorbed unconsciously?
To unlearn and detach the meaning of failure from our conditioned responses, we first need to recognize that much of what we think about failure isn’t our own; it’s a construct shaped by societal norms, family values, and early experiences. This recognition opens the door to seeing failure differently.
1. Reframe Failure as Neutral
Begin by rephrasing failure as neither inherently “good” nor “bad” — simply as an unexpected or undesirable outcome. This perspective removes the sting of personal judgment and creates space to analyze the situation more objectively. Recognizing that not all outcomes align with our plans doesn’t mean we’ve “failed”; it means we’ve encountered an opportunity to understand what didn’t work and why.
2. Separate Self-Worth from Outcomes
One reason failure feels so heavy is that we link it to our sense of worth or identity. Learning to separate what we do from who we are can lighten the emotional load associated with failure. If we recognize that our actions are not extensions of our worth, we’re less likely to feel shame when things go wrong. Failure, then, becomes feedback on our efforts — not a measure of our value.
3. Question the Source of Your Reactions
Every time you feel guilt, shame, or embarrassment after a failure, take a moment to ask, “Where is this feeling coming from?” Often, you may find that these feelings are echoes of past conditioning — an internalized voice from childhood or society’s unspoken expectations. By identifying these voices, we weaken their hold and start to respond based on personal understanding rather than inherited beliefs.
4. Redefine Failure as a Growth Tool
Embracing failure as a tool for learning can transform our relationship with it. Instead of avoiding mistakes, we can approach each setback with curiosity, asking, “What can I learn from this?” This shift from fear to curiosity changes how failure impacts us emotionally. Over time, repeated reflection can build resilience and comfort with the learning process, even when it involves mistakes.
5. Embrace Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is key to detaching failure from negative emotions. Acknowledging that everyone makes mistakes — and that these missteps don’t define us — encourages a more balanced response. Treating yourself kindly, rather than with self-criticism, when facing failure can help you see mistakes as a normal part of growth, reinforcing that you don’t have to feel shame, guilt, or embarrassment every time something goes wrong.
6. Surround Yourself with Constructive Perspectives
Often, our attitudes toward failure reflect the people around us. Surrounding yourself with individuals who view failure constructively, as a natural part of success, can reinforce healthier beliefs. Mentors, friends, or colleagues who focus on growth rather than judgment help build a support system that encourages learning without attaching unnecessary emotions.
7. Practice Letting Go of Past Failures
Part of detaching from failure is releasing old memories of it. If you often replay past mistakes, practice letting go by viewing those experiences as learning milestones rather than moments to regret. Reflecting on what each past “failure” taught you can help redefine your narrative. Rewriting these memories to emphasize growth will reduce the weight of past failures and reshape your relationship with future ones.
8. Cultivate a Growth Mindset
Adopting a growth mindset — believing that abilities and intelligence can be developed through effort — can drastically shift how you perceive failure. A growth mindset sees failure as a path to improvement, not an end. By focusing on the process rather than solely on outcomes, you reinforce the idea that failure is a temporary step in a larger journey, making it easier to move forward without guilt or shame.
Next time you’re obliged to feel bad about your failure, ask yourself if you felt bad for failing to walk on your very first attempt. If you didn’t feel bad then and continued the learning process, why feel that now?